Things An Author Hates To Hear

(And The Answers You Can Expect)

Do you research your love scenes?

Of course. Just like Stephen King, Dean Koontz and Clive Cussler research their books by murdering people, fighting monsters and making motor boats out of bathtubs.

You should write a book about my life! You just wouldn't believe all the things that have happened to me—better than a novel!

I don't think my publisher is ready for that story. Call Geraldo.

I have a book I want to write, too; I just don't have the time.

None of us writers have the time either. We make it.

How much money do you make?

Tell me how much money you make, and I'll tell you if you're warm or cold.

Books like this are what's wrong with our young people and our country today.

Really? Stories about monogamous relationships, trust, the sanctity of marriage, redemption, loyalty and honor have warped America's children? And I always thought it had something to do with taking prayer out of public schools, with lowering academic standards, and the desensitizing of our consciences through television violence and sensationalist talk shows, or perhaps the lack of punishment for criminal acts.

What was I thinking?

Is that you on the cover?

No, it's my evil twin sister.

When are you going to write a real book?

When they stop paying me so well to write these fake ones.

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